Narelle Brigden
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Providing Supportive Counselling Services
Providing Supportive Counselling Services
My Blog
Blog
Is your relationship hanging by a thread?
Posted on 5 April, 2020 at 0:39 |
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Never before have I received so many texts, messages, emails requesting "urgent couple counselling" than in the last few weeks. So why is this the case?The one thing I'm learning through these uncertain times is that the lockdown has provided an opportunity, albeit through necessity, to really re-evaluate relationships.Let's face it, counselling isn't something that people look forward to, but often, it's the last resort or a crisis situation that brings couples into therapy. Sadly, making it difficult to fix what's broken. All a bit too little too late. The one strategy some individuals do tend to do in unhappy relationships, often in order to stay together for the kids' scenario, is AVOIDANCE. This can appear in many overt forms such as always working late, drinks with colleagues after work, travel for work, attending events, girls/boys weekend away, etc But the most covert strategy is what I call "buffering". Buffering is often using others, events or situations to create a barrier between couples in order to avoid spending time with your significant other. You may recognize this behaviour in the following examples: Social buffering - only wanting to go out or away with your partner so long as friends can tag along. Children buffering - only wanting to spend time with family whereby the kids are always the focus. Specifically and deliberating attending to them in order to be distracting from time with the partner.F unctional buffering - needing to continually get things done around the house. Gardening, building, cleaning, etc. Really, the "I don't have time to..." lecture. Almost as though, your partner is ungrateful for your efforts. Work buffering - the priority for your attention and time is your work. But really it extends beyond to drinks, dinners, events, travel, where the other option is to spend time with your partner and/or family. Taking work calls, responding to emails, working from home on weekends and evenings, etc becomes a normal activity and expectation for your partner to accept. Opportunity buffering - you may say to your partner that you don't feel like going to the movies, but jump at the chance if offered by another party.Quite simply put, not wanting to spend one on one time together. Leaving many people wondering whether their partner wants to spend time with me let alone like me anymore. In the list of your priorities - "I just don't make the cut". This lockdown has highlighted this behaviour tenfold. People have reported feeling like they are living with a caged lion - pacing and eager to get out and when they have the opportunity to go for a walk, they do so on their own. Solo time is their only escape from their partner as they no longer have an excuse or accomplice/s to their relational "crime". Therefore, leaving their partner reeling with the thought "he/she doesn't like spending time with me".With nowhere to go and no-one to go there with, this discomfort causes frustration for both parties. So how do you address it:- Firstly acknowledge this is what's happening. State calmly to your partner that you have noticed this behaviour. At first, they may be defensive, but discuss times where you have started to notice this pattern of behaviour. Not in an accusatory way, but in a way to open up the dialogue. Secondly suggest talking through the issues to try to understand the when, what, where, who, why and how of the behaviour. Was it when you first met, after you were married, first child, job promotion, etc. This discussion often leads to the causation of the behaviour. Thirdly seek help. Often counselling can help couples identify, address and work through these issues but ultimately, assist couples getting back to where they were happy to be together.So why do I say, hanging by a thread, this strategy may be the only thing keeping the relationship going or from breaking. I've written this article to raise the awareness of the behaviour of avoidance through buffering, It terms of the underlying cause and the eventual repair or sadly in some instances, demise, really is incumbent upon the individuals' ability to acknowledge, accept and seek help. So really seize this time, and seek the help necessary to repair your relationship before it becomes a crisis or last resort. Copyright, Narelle Brigden Counselling 2020 |
How to Measure the Strength on your Relationship
Posted on 10 April, 2018 at 22:44 |
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The
6 Strands of Connection Measuring
the Health of Relationships As a relationship expert and couples counsellor, I’m often asked what
attributes to look for when trying to determine how good or bad a relationship
is and whether or not the differences or gap between them are too large to
overcome. Simply put, do we stay and try
and work it out or cut our losses. What I look for in determining the state of a relationship are 6 key elements
that I call the “strands” which are essential to connect people together in
order to thrive. Like rope, when new and
freshly formed, is at its strongest, but when pressure, tension and strain are
added, over time, the strands begin to fray, unravel and ultimately weaken the overall
integrity. These strands are the markers or litmus to measure the health of a
relationship. In broad terms, they fit
into 6 categories, although there are some cross over and interplay. They are physical, mental, emotional,
psychological, financial and sexual strands of a relationship. In addition, I
have two (2) caveats they are Historical Significance and Important Life Events. What differentiates, divides or joins us from each other as humans is
our ability and willingness to connect in relationship to another. It’s the how and why we gravitate towards or
away from one another and how our relationship develops over time. Often too much or too little or difference can
topple the relationship into free fall. When
assessing the strength of a relationship, we need to undertake an honest inventory
and dissection of the individual strands to determine how healthy or sick each
element is and the impact overall to a relationship. These strands will have a hierarchy of importance to every individual
which may not align with a partner.
That, in itself, can be the cause of conflict and confusion in a
relationship. Physical Strand The physical strand refers to how comfortable we are with one another or
how you feel in their physical presence.
Can you sit in comfortable silence of does the mere presence of the
other get under our skin? Do you really
enjoy their company or do you feel the other has just stop trying to engage or
spending time with you? A relationship begins to falter when one party starts to feel less or
more for the other. The emotional and
sexual strands have started to unwind. Often
feeling like a “flat mate” or only operating on a functional level and feeling
a sense of loss or relegation of priority in their partner’s life. Perhaps moved
into the “friend zone”, meaning you don’t feel the same way about me as I do
about you. Conversely, often issues around control enter the relationship over fear
of losing their partner when one expects the other to spend every minute of
every day doing everything together. Or alternatively, becoming obsessive about
how the other spends time external to the relationship, where feelings of
jealousy or mistrust begin to seep in. A healthy relationship is one where you can enjoy each other’s company,
undertaking shared interests or activities, but respect the other’s individual
need to spend time with others or alone without feeling threatened or
rejected. It can be as a simple as working with your yin and yang around household
chores by organically doing what the other hates and vice versa. Working as a
team or in partnership adapting to changing circumstances such as an increase/decrease
in work hours, children being ill, etc. Or simply ensuring you carve out time
personally to pursue individual interests, self-indulgence or spending time
with friends. Mental Strand IQ – you’re born with it. Can’t
change it. But you can try harder or spend more time mastering a task that
doesn’t come naturally. Yes, it is unfair, but it is, what it is. However,
don’t ever equate academic intelligence to being smart or wise. In relationships, this strand refers to value
placed in what individuals bring to the relationship from their worldly
knowledge and lived experience. Cognitive function is only one way of the brain processing data. Remember Charles Darwin once said that it’s
not the strongest or smartest that survive, but those that are most adaptable
to change. Can people with very
different IQ’s make a relationship work – absolutely but pointing out the
deficits in the other’s thinking or belittling their capacity for knowledge is
just another form of bullying. Usually
the higher IQ’s excel in facts, details, areas of black and white, however,
it’s the other who is more emotionally attuned and understands grey areas, the humanistic
element in problem solving. Although, she was once perfect for him or he was her “Mr Right”– neither
dreamed they’d marry Mr Always Right or Little Miss Perfect. Once in session, a client, who after hearing
their partner say “I’m not always right” quipped, “well you’re never
wrong”. A healthy mental connection can be as simple as shared humour, similar
understanding of certain events, devising strategies to obtain shared goals,
consulting, inclusion of decision making and prioritising areas of your life and
valuing each other’s input. Emotional Strand I fundamentally disagree with the term emotional intelligence as it
assumes it is a non-linear measurement of someone’s emotional health. My definition is in relation to “emotional
maturity”, regardless of age or length or relationship. When life goes awry for whatever reason, how
do you manage your emotional response.
Do your behaviours reflect maturity?
When life doesn’t give you what you want or expect, how do you
emotionally manage the situation, event or relationship. When times are good in a relationship, both parties believe that they
are on the same page, it’s when difficulties arise, they can appear to be poles
apart in their strategies with dealing with the challenges. I’ve heard “I don’t
even know this person”, “I couldn’t believe it when…” etc., it’s like they have met their “real”
partner for the very first time. Strong
people have been seen scampering in corners, curling up in the foetal position
choosing to hide away for days on end.
Others become the “hulk”, “a bull in a china shop” a “madwoman” or
“princess bitch-face”- all of which affects their partner. How emotionally compatible are you as a couple when dealing with life
challenges, difficulties or differences?
In other words, how well to you manage conflict in your life. When the relationship is in trouble holding
on or trying to let go can feel like a game of tug-o-war with your partner,
using the strands as weapons. A healthy relationship recognises and acknowledges the emotional content
of the challenge and plays a supporting role if their partner has been affected
without absorbing their partner’s emotions.
Or have the capacity to sit together to discuss an agreed strategy or
resolving conflict, whilst understanding and responding to the difficulties
faced in a measured way. Financial Stand Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does create options and
opportunities. Sadly, in today’s society
it can be a duel edge sword. Some
relationships are so financially interwoven that they appear unravel-able to
the point that it’s the only thing keeping the relationship together. There are
families that cannot afford to stay together emotionally yet can’t afford to
separate financially so they operate from a purely functional space. Using, withholding or misusing funds in
relationships can cause fractures.
Financial control is just another form of relational abuse. Having financial compatibility in the relationship DOES NOT mean that
both parties earn and/or financially contribute equally. It’s the VALUE you
place on each other’s financial and non-financial contribution. It’s about the joint understanding and
responsibility pertaining to finances, whether it be priorities, savings,
spending, frugality, or frivolously spending whether it be for celebratory or
fun determines the health of the relationship in this area. Sexual Strand Sexual attraction lust, sexual chemistry, sexual compatibility,
playfulness and flirting – oh the excitement.
The measurement of how sexually and physically attractive you are to
your partner. Sexual compatible includes
how sexually adventuristic you are, and whether libido levels on par both contribute
to forming a strong sexual connection.
Healthy relationships have shared understandings, equal interest,
compatibility and initiation in a relationship.
Often when the sexual thread is out of whack – it tends to have a ripple
effect on all the other strands of the relationship. One party may feel rejected, or one feels the
other may be withholding sex when angry, etc all play into an unhealthy
relationship. When the relationship is
out of kilter, sex can be the first strand to fray for some whereas for others,
depending on the level of importance sex holds in their life, it’s the last –
fearing once they lose interest in that area of the relationship, it’ll be hard
for them to get back on track. Psychological
Strand This strand refers to the way in which you view the world, what is your
perspective, your lens on life and of others.
It’s the mental plus emotional fusion that develops your opinions, your fundamental
belief systems, your judgements and values.
Mostly, drawn from lived experiences that have shaped the way in which
your views are formed. How do you feel
about social issues, political views, religious pursuits, environment concerns,
etc. This is an incredibly important
strand – most wars are caused and continue to be fought over having differing
views or beliefs. For many, these are the deal breakers, the non-negotiable elements of
the relationship, particularly around dysfunctional behaviours such as alcohol,
drugs, gambling, pornography, etc. Especially when addictive behaviours are at
play, generally accompanied with unbecoming character traits such as
dishonesty, deceit, cheating, betrayal, etc.
It is the latter that partner’s find the hardest to understand, reconcile,
overcome or forgive. Remember, we are all as unique as fingerprints, there is no two of us
alike anywhere on the planet. Therefore,
we will not view the world exactly the same as anyone else. We all have different
tastes, preferences, likes, dislikes, but it’s how we respect each other’s
beliefs, discuss differences and engage in discussion without being abrasive to
people we love, sets the tone for a healthy relationship. The
Two Caveats Historical Significance
(more aligned to friendships) This one falls into the outer basket of categorisation as it is often only
history that has kept a connection alive.
This is highlighted when reunions and occasional catch up with old friends
whereby the only thing they have in common is their shared past. They are
grappling around in shared experiences to keep the conversation alive. The only highlights are shown in conversation
starters with “remember when” or “whatever happen to” or “what about the time
when” or “who’s heard from” seem to be the only entrée to group conversation and
perhaps reliving old times again and again.
However, this becomes particularly troublesome in a romantic
relationship when there is a sense it has become stale for no particular reason
or an underlying feeling of “owing” the other person for a past loyalty or life
decision. The only strand keeping it
going has been the history i.e. too much time has been invested, or too much
time has passed, or we’ve been through too much or its all too late. Regardless
of the of health or condition of the strands, it is now just going through the
motions of a life with another. It’s reached acceptance of till death us do part. Traumatic Life
Events (One off or Unexpected Events) Having children, a death of a love one, loss of a job, extended family
dramas and many other major life events external to the relationship or out of
your control, but nonetheless, have an impact on the strength of the
strands. Getting external help through
avenues such as counselling or support groups is the best way to assist and
navigate your way through these uncertain times and events. Relationships are ever changing and evolving – the longer you are
together the greater the chance of having to ride the ebbs and flows, face
difficult challenges and endure external forces. If your relationship starts to breakdown and the strands begin to fray –
hopefully this information will help you to organise your thoughts, gain
clarity around where attention and love is needed and help pinpoint the fracture
in the individual strand. Remember, all relationships will endure pressure and change so the
strength of a relationship will be continually tested. Seeking expert advice
and help can mend bridges, improve communication, resolve conflict and repair
frayed strands to get the relationship back on track. Narelle Brigden Counselling, 2018 |
Why self-help books, well, don't help
Posted on 21 October, 2014 at 7:27 |
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I
caught myself pondering upon this phenomenon the other day whilst visiting the local op shop when coming face-to-face with the endless aisles of discarded self-help books and wondering how truly effective they really were. Picking through the selection of various authors and titles, I witnessed how vigorously marked, scribbled, noted and some even worth double highlighting the insight because it was just sooooooo poignant. Every book was just like the last - heavily marked and dog-eared. I could only imagine how they have spent hours pouring over the pages with exaltation, with some 'ah ha' moments and even some high energy fist pumps - according to their notes anyways. They have then very diligently and of course, very honestly completed all the questionnaires and undertaken all the exercises - in pencil which also seemed to be the tool of choice. Orthodoxically, I found their notes often made more of a fascinating and insightful read then the actual text itself. Now with all that hard work done, they are going to face the world with a different perspective, full of self-awareness and new found knowledge so people are going to treat them better, their relationships will be more "authentic" and people will WANT to be with them or just be them - RIGHT? - NO WRONG!! How can this be! They've done everything that has been asked of them, so why haven't their lives miraculously changed??????? I'll cut to the chase and tell you why - self-help books allow you to cherry pick, at your leisure by selectively perusing and determining the level of importance which you deem appropriate and/or relevant to you. In the privacy of your own home and alone with your own thoughts, you can skip pages, especially the ones you feel uncomfortable with or deem paragraphs and chapters as "not really applicable to me" etc. You kind of get away with a lot really or truly believe that this is simply not relevant to you. In other words, short-cutting to where you want to go - not where you truly need
to arrive. My op shop adventure reminded me of a seminal lesson learnt from my psyche lecturer many moons ago when I was struggling as a young woman with image issues. After discussing my thoughts, she said that I'm allowing myself to being defined as how I think people see me and that's simply not the truth ie that's my story of me - not theirs. She then proceeded to give me this piece of advice which has always stuck and I would now love to share with you all here; "Narelle, you have to understand that we never see ourselves as others truly see us - even in mirrors, our reflection is always reversed so your image will always be distorted". In short, where you think you need to focus, is not where others think you need to focus - and others are your relationships. You see, if I were to ask all of your past bosses and colleagues, your previous and current relationships, friendships, family members for a list of areas for improvement to focus on (anonymously of course for truth purposes), I can guarantee that they would come up with a complete list all of which would have similarities and common themes across all aspects of your life. In psychology, they are known as "blindspots". Don't you ever wonder why we keep making the same mistakes, picking the same type of partners, friends, have the same work issues, etc ? - It's because YOU are the common denominator. Although this can be an incredibly difficult thing to do, looking at our ugly bits, its necessary for true, permanent personal growth and development. I have spent an extraordinary amount of time with people who have gone through every self-help book available to man, they have chased their zen all over the planet, they have eat prayed and loved all over the place and they have even attended every seasonal new age speaker in a 100 mile radius but still - no change. People aren't treating them the way they want, they're still single, divorced or in unhealthy relationships and they are still, privately miserable. I've always said that when you close the door of your home - you could be anywhere in the world, so you have to be happy with the relationships you have in your life at that time, especially with the most important one - you. Remember - wherever YOU go - there YOU are! You can't ever run nor hide from yourself. So sadly, when you find yourself back where you started, in far too many cases, depression and self defeating thoughts seep in - again. Your intentions were pure, however, the results were disappointing - certainly not from a lack of trying but absolutely due to your selected strategy being, the self-help route. To make change permanent here are the 5 steps that I've found to be most effective:
By now, you're probably recognised the subtext has morphed from your friend to you, so when you're ready to make the commitment, do your research, find a professional that's right for you, commit to the necessary change - make the call to start to embark on your final destination. When you're ready for change, please email me on [email protected] or call 0419 264 852 for an appointment. © Narelle Brigden Counselling Services - October, 2014 No extraction without the direct written permission of the author. |
WARNING - Are you on a quest for authenticity or finding your bliss? STOP!! You could be making a HUGE mistake
Posted on 20 May, 2014 at 21:25 |
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Recently, there has been a new age wave in the helping
profession that I am finding both concerning and disturbing - I like to call them “insighters”. Those wanting to ‘spread their word’ on
their meaning of life - or worse, tell you how you should live yours (for a
small fee - of course). They come
under many guises such as Action Coach, Life Expert, Life Specialist, Life
Mentor, Motivator, Passion Driver, Positive Energy Consultant, just to name but
a few. Sadly, all of who are unqualified,
unregistered and certainly have no experience in mental health or well-being. Don’t get me wrong – I believe there are roles for specific
coaches and mentors in relevant fields. If you are looking for a Coach or Business
Mentor there are many talented and reputable ones that have specialised
industry knowledge or executive coaches who have had a successful career with a
minimum of 5-10 years in a mid/large corporate in a senior position. There are
also personal trainers or coaches, who hold the appropriate qualifications,
targeting a specific need in your life ie to get into shape or be physically
healthier. Fortunately, these
professionals know where to draw the line in what they are trained in and what
they are not. I’m talking about the ones who fabricate their business upon
attending a few “rah rah” events, a couple of marketing and networking
functions, and reading the complete series of “self-help”books and articles, lifting the insights
of accomplished others, such as the swelling trend for Dr Brene Brown, Deepak
Chopra, Adrianna Huffington, Anthony Robbins, Oprah, Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zukov,
Dr Phil, Rev TD Jakes and many other TED talkers. Their website and Facebook feeds are usually filled with platitudes
– you know the ones that only belong on fridge magnets ie find your bliss, the
world is yours for the taking, dare to suck, etc. They are clearly montaging others’ slogans, wise words,
famous quotes, findings and insights.
Academics call this plagiarism and this does not make them
qualified professionals. WARNING - Don’t be sucked into the hype…. I’m seeing far too many people, particularly women, fallen
victim to this hype and have, through their PAID “reach your full potential” process, made regrettable life
decisions, broken valued relationships, lost family, friends and jobs. Here as just a few examples:- “your spouse has been
holding you back from reaching your full potential” “Ignore your partners
needs, you deserve to put “YOU” first” “your friend was
being 'negative' and they are 'toxic' and you must rid them from your life”. “your family has to
understand that you need to be more selfish and pursue your dream”. “your children just
have to come to terms that your ‘you’ time is essential for everyone to be
happy’ – their needs are secondary” I can’t begin to tell you how damaging these
statements have been. Sadly, many of
these NOW broken relationships, were loved ones being honest enough to tell them the truth, for which the client has come
to recognise all too late. So, who
ultimately pays the price and whose pockets are being lined… A professional would help you to establish clear and healthy
boundaries around ALL relationships – they would never suggest to “rid” people
from your life. They work
together with your partner to address the importance of your needs being
met. A therapist would work
closely with your family to establish priorities and schedules so that everyone
has shared responsibility and time. As humans, we thrive on connectivity with
others – not walking solo to your dreams where your personal successes will
feel hollow. Unbelievably, people are being hooked by the marketing of
these sites, completely smothered in platitudes, stunning photography and
promises of a whole new life. I was gobsmacked to learn that very few people
look for professional qualifications when seeking help or guidance on such important issues. This concerns me on so many
levels, but here is just a few: - ·
Those that go looking for help or searching for
answers, are at their most vulnerable hoping to find a magic bullet for their
problems. ·
Unfortunately, those without appropriate
training and qualifications only see the potential dollars signs not the
social, legal and ethical responsibility to act in the best interests of the
client. Trained professionals are held
accountable by their registered organisation. ·
Clients that have experienced a traumatic event or
loss such as a relationship breakdown, redundancy, loss of a family member, etc
are left wide open for re-traumatisation from the approach of a non-experienced
and untrained professional. ·
Some people are feeling pressured to make a
decision that they are uncomfortable with in search for “their true bliss” or
under the auspices of being “authentic”. ·
Not being emotionally prepared for such a
directive approach may lead some clients into depression and/or anxiety. ·
The feeling of being overwhelmed may have a
negative impact on self-esteem or self-worth. It’s never easy finding the right source or approach for
help and unfortunately; no legislation prohibits these people from working from
this platform. But here are four (4) hard and fast rules to follow to avoid
falling victim:- 1.
Look for their professional
qualifications – not their marketing prowess. A minimum degree in psychology,
counselling, social work or mental health should be a starting point. People work hard to obtain their
educational qualifications, those that have it will display it proudly front
and centre. If you’re struggling
to find a clear recognised qualification – YOU’RE
ON THE WRONG WEBSITE. 2.
Look for their registration,
for the counselling profession in Australia, look for memberships to either the
Australian Counselling Association or members of PACFA. Each member has to obtain a minimum
level of qualifications to be accredited with further ongoing professional
development and supervision to maintain their registration. Those requiring a mental health plan
via a psychologist can be referred by their family doctor. 3.
Look for their expert experience
usually the ‘about me’ section of their website should contain their resume of
the what, when, where and how of their professional career. This should not be “how I was a drop
down drunk and turned myself around”, or “I went all eat, pray, love and found
myself”. Successful people are
proud of their work achievements and will always highlight and showcase the
details. 4.
Look for their office address or
professional offices. Unless
YOUR
special circumstances require it, most professionals will want to work with you
in person. A big part of
effective counselling is the working relationship between the client and the
therapist. Once the above is established, you have at least completed a
filter that personally and professionally protects your mental and psychological
well-being. If you’re looking for
some inspiration and motivation in your life, save your money and do what the “insighters”
do - make Google your best friend. Warning – no plagiarism! But please – feel free to
share (a lot). Narelle Brigden Counsellor, Psychotherapist and Executive Coach Grad. Dip, Counselling M.A.C.A. © Narelle Brigden Counselling, 2014 |
Fighting Fair
Posted on 3 March, 2013 at 18:56 |
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How to Fight Fair I've always believed that when parents adopt the "stop fighting" stance when their children are roughhousing or arguing, prevents teaching the "how to be in relationship with others" lesson. Parents are often overwhelmed with the noise, frequency, inequality, velocity and viciousness of the fighting. By instructing children to "stop fighting" may feel like an appropriate response to unacceptable behaviour that receives an immediate response. It may work initially, however, the behaviour continues, the response becomes less and less effective and parents become exasperated with repeating themselves without success or progress. By continuing this spiral, parents are missing the valuable opportunity to teach children to understand, empathise, listen, forgive and say those two hardest words, "I'm sorry". Even more importantly, the lesson of demonstrating and learning how to patch relationships effectively after an argument when you are right and when you are wrong. In other words, teaching your child to "fight fair". We all develop our communication style at these tender ages based on their relationships, modelling and experiences. As we grow older, socially more acceptable ways are learnt in different environments such as school, work and their social groups, again using modelling and socially acceptable behaviour. And in the same way and during this time, our life opinions are being formed, we are learning some valuable social lessons and we are discovered how we "fit in". In other words, we are learning to navigate the relationship labyrinth of our external and internal worlds. Many events along the way, jolt us, pull the rug out from under us, knock us of 6, etc and we find ourselves floundering and not knowing how to handle things, approach issues or confront difficult circumstances and people. Why?? Because we were never learnt to "fight fair" and therefore, could never have learnt how to. When these occur, we revert to our earliest style as a default position which could be name calling, isolation and exclusion of people, not talk/ignore, gossip about people, sabotage, ridiculing, etc. We believe we are punishing the other person, when in actual fact - we just don't know what else to do. In the process our behaviour is being witnessed and judge by others ie "would she treat me like that if we had a falling out", "I didn't think he was capable of that", "she has some real issues - I think I'll start distancing myself from her", etc. Does these comments sound familiar? You may even have had these type of thoughts with some of your own friends behaviours. You may have sense these comments and judgements from your friends and family. Here below are some examples - see which one most describes you: Example 1: Do you feel as though some people are avoiding you, sense people are gossiping about you and feel unwanted in social situations? You may be feeling like there is something wrong with you, or people don't like you or you're being tolerated. OR Example 2: Have you found yourself in sticky situations, awkward relationships or difficult partnerships which continues because you don't know what else to do? Have you found yourself gossiping, negative people consuming way too much of your time and thoughts? are you continuing friendships that should have ended long ago? Are you avoiding people or ignoring people? The first example is generally the result of someone who is OVERT in their conflict style and second is the example of someone who is COVERT in their conflict style. Both have the same affect - neither have their needs met. On the surface, Example 1 may seem to be honest, pushy or direct and Example 2 may seem to be polite, respectful and honest, but really neither want to be this way in their relationships. Because the relationships in your life are important, learn how to get your voice heard and establish healthy boundaries without being abrasive to another person. Become the person that you admire. As humans, inevitably, we will disagree, have a differing
opinion, come from another perspective, have opposing beliefs, like
differing things, etc. and we will argue our point. The way in which we address these determines how we carry ourselves into the future and learn behaviours that you can be personally and honestly proud of. Learn how to access, process and address these issues and turn your relationships around. As everyone has different styles and issues, I develop and tailor a detailed plan to address specific areas of improvement and development, call 0419 264 852 for a personal consultation. |
Will My Marriage Survive?
Posted on 15 February, 2012 at 18:53 |
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The latest research suggests that 67% of recently married couples end in
divorce. Expectantly, second marriages, third and so on, the percentages
increase exponentially. This is a worrying statistic and appears to be on the
rise including a gender shift in infidelity with an increase of more than 45%
of married women now claiming to have had an affair/s in the last 10 years.
Although many factors contribute to a marriage breakdown, people citing
"excess baggage" being brought from one relationship into another, in reference
to their partner, ie THEIR children, THEIR past relationships, THEIR family as a
key feature in the demise of the marriage. However, the hangover from a previous
marriage is not about the people but rather the relationship that they had with
those significant others. I know that it may seem like I'm splitting hairs here, but what I'm really
talking about here is YOU ie how you relate to another person, your traits, your
behaviours, your emotional responses. In other words, how you communicate "in
relationship" with another person. All too often, couples go to counselling to "fix" their spouse. My general
response is "I can't fix them, but I can help you". Wherein, the one question
that should be asked by couples in counselling is, "what can I do to repair this
relationship?" This question shifts the focus towards having you think about
the way you interact in relation to this other person, and how this may impact
your marriage. This provides a positive platform to undertake discussion around
working together on specific areas for improvement, rather than the defensive
position that most couples adopt, not dissimilar to those preparing for
battle. I realise that this is a monumental step and often very difficult for anyone
to take, particularly amidst the heated emotion of marital disputes, but a
necessary one as you move forward in life, whether that is with or,
unfortunately, without your partner. A Successful Divorce or a Destructive Divorce. You have to work as hard to get out of the marriage as you did to
get into it and it is only complete when you have no unfinished emotional
business with the other person. Counselling provides the necessary skills and tools for couples to better
relate to each other, in particular, resolving conflict. In other words, how to
"fight fair". You see, airing grievances is considered healthy, yes, that's
right very healthy. What most people tend to lack is the ammunition to fight in
a way that does not have a negative impact on their significant other. "It's not what you say, its the way you say it". I know this sounds cliche
but truly think about this, how did you learn to fight?? Are you an overt
fighter - do you end up screaming and yelling, throwing things, name calling..
Or are you a covert/passive fighter - do you "stonewall" that is not
talk (the dreaded silent treatment), not engage in the fight or give any
response or if you're lucky a shrug or mumble - - it sounds like I'm describing
a 4yo in the midst of a tantrum and a belligerent teenager. Well, would it surprise you to learn that this may be your natural default
response position? Often these default positions may have served us well in the
past, particularly through childhood and adolescence, but now are no longer
effective. Through counselling, together, we deconstruct your default position
and develop a new way of working though relationship issues that benefit not
just this relationship but all people you are "in relationship" with and all
future relationships including work, family, friends, etc. Why is this so important? Because if the marriage is irreconcilable, and if
we are to believe the statistics - many are, what have you learnt from that
marital experience that you take into the next relationship:- a. more excess emotional baggage or b. better communication and relationships skills. Narelle Brigden Post Grad. Dip., Counselling M.A.C.A. Manly, NSW 2095 Australia Mobile: 0419 264 852 *Names change for privacy. |
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