Never before have I received so many texts, messages, emails requesting "urgent couple counselling" than in the last few weeks. So why is this the case?The one thing I'm learning through these uncertain times is that the lockdown has provided an opportunity, albeit through necessity, to really re-evaluate relationships.Let's face it, counselling isn't something that people look forward to, but often, it's the last resort or a crisis situation that brings couples into therapy. Sadly, making it difficult to fix what's broken. All a bit too little too late.

The one strategy some individuals do tend to do in unhappy relationships, often in order to stay together for the kids' scenario, is AVOIDANCE. This can appear in many overt forms such as always working late, drinks with colleagues after work, travel for work, attending events, girls/boys weekend away, etc But the most covert strategy is what I call "buffering".

Buffering is often using others, events or situations to create a barrier between couples in order to avoid spending time with your significant other. You may recognize this behaviour in the following examples:

Social buffering - only wanting to go out or away with your partner so long as friends can tag along.

Children buffering - only wanting to spend time with family whereby the kids are always the focus. Specifically and deliberating attending to them in order to be distracting from time with the partner.F

unctional buffering - needing to continually get things done around the house. Gardening, building, cleaning, etc. Really, the "I don't have time to..." lecture. Almost as though, your partner is ungrateful for your efforts.

Work buffering - the priority for your attention and time is your work. But really it extends beyond to drinks, dinners, events, travel, where the other option is to spend time with your partner and/or family. Taking work calls, responding to emails, working from home on weekends and evenings, etc becomes a normal activity and expectation for your partner to accept.

Opportunity buffering - you may say to your partner that you don't feel like going to the movies, but jump at the chance if offered by another party.Quite simply put, not wanting to spend one on one time together. Leaving many people wondering whether their partner wants to spend time with me let alone like me anymore. In the list of your priorities - "I just don't make the cut".

This lockdown has highlighted this behaviour tenfold. People have reported feeling like they are living with a caged lion - pacing and eager to get out and when they have the opportunity to go for a walk, they do so on their own. Solo time is their only escape from their partner as they no longer have an excuse or accomplice/s to their relational "crime". Therefore, leaving their partner reeling with the thought "he/she doesn't like spending time with me".With nowhere to go and no-one to go there with, this discomfort causes frustration for both parties.

So how do you address it:-

Firstly acknowledge this is what's happening. State calmly to your partner that you have noticed this behaviour. At first, they may be defensive, but discuss times where you have started to notice this pattern of behaviour. Not in an accusatory way, but in a way to open up the dialogue.

Secondly suggest talking through the issues to try to understand the when, what, where, who, why and how of the behaviour. Was it when you first met, after you were married, first child, job promotion, etc. This discussion often leads to the causation of the behaviour.

Thirdly seek help. Often counselling can help couples identify, address and work through these issues but ultimately, assist couples getting back to where they were happy to be together.So why do I say, hanging by a thread, this strategy may be the only thing keeping the relationship going or from breaking.

I've written this article to raise the awareness of the behaviour of avoidance through buffering, It terms of the underlying cause and the eventual repair or sadly in some instances, demise, really is incumbent upon the individuals' ability to acknowledge, accept and seek help. So really seize this time, and seek the help necessary to repair your relationship before it becomes a crisis or last resort.

Copyright, Narelle Brigden Counselling 2020

 

 

As a relationship expert and couples counsellor, I’m often asked what attributes to look for when trying to determine how good or bad a relationship is and whether or not the differences or gap between them are too large to overcome.  Simply put, do we stay and try and work it out or cut our losses.

 

What I look for in determining the state of a relationship are 6 key elements that I call the “strands” which are essential to connect people together in order to thrive.  Like rope, when new and freshly formed, is at its strongest, but when pressure, tension and strain are added, over time, the strands begin to fray, unravel and ultimately weaken the overall integrity. 

 

These strands are the markers or litmus to measure the health of a relationship.  In broad terms, they fit into 6 categories, although there are some cross over and interplay.  They are physical, mental, emotional, psychological, financial and sexual strands of a relationship. In addition, I have two (2) caveats they are Historical Significance and Important Life Events.

 

What differentiates, divides or joins us from each other as humans is our ability and willingness to connect in relationship to another.  It’s the how and why we gravitate towards or away from one another and how our relationship develops over time.  Often too much or too little or difference can topple the relationship into free fall.  When assessing the strength of a relationship, we need to undertake an honest inventory and dissection of the individual strands to determine how healthy or sick each element is and the impact overall to a relationship.

 

These strands will have a hierarchy of importance to every individual which may not align with a partner.  That, in itself, can be the cause of conflict and confusion in a relationship. 

 

 

 

The physical strand refers to how comfortable we are with one another or how you feel in their physical presence.  Can you sit in comfortable silence of does the mere presence of the other get under our skin?  Do you really enjoy their company or do you feel the other has just stop trying to engage or spending time with you?

 

A relationship begins to falter when one party starts to feel less or more for the other.  The emotional and sexual strands have started to unwind.  Often feeling like a “flat mate” or only operating on a functional level and feeling a sense of loss or relegation of priority in their partner’s life. Perhaps moved into the “friend zone”, meaning you don’t feel the same way about me as I do about you.

Conversely, often issues around control enter the relationship over fear of losing their partner when one expects the other to spend every minute of every day doing everything together. Or alternatively, becoming obsessive about how the other spends time external to the relationship, where feelings of jealousy or mistrust begin to seep in.

 

A healthy relationship is one where you can enjoy each other’s company, undertaking shared interests or activities, but respect the other’s individual need to spend time with others or alone without feeling threatened or rejected. 

 

It can be as a simple as working with your yin and yang around household chores by organically doing what the other hates and vice versa. Working as a team or in partnership adapting to changing circumstances such as an increase/decrease in work hours, children being ill, etc. Or simply ensuring you carve out time personally to pursue individual interests, self-indulgence or spending time with friends.

 

 

IQ – you’re born with it.  Can’t change it. But you can try harder or spend more time mastering a task that doesn’t come naturally. Yes, it is unfair, but it is, what it is. However, don’t ever equate academic intelligence to being smart or wise.  In relationships, this strand refers to value placed in what individuals bring to the relationship from their worldly knowledge and lived experience.   

 

Cognitive function is only one way of the brain processing data.  Remember Charles Darwin once said that it’s not the strongest or smartest that survive, but those that are most adaptable to change.  Can people with very different IQ’s make a relationship work – absolutely but pointing out the deficits in the other’s thinking or belittling their capacity for knowledge is just another form of bullying.  Usually the higher IQ’s excel in facts, details, areas of black and white, however, it’s the other who is more emotionally attuned and understands grey areas, the humanistic element in problem solving.  

 

Although, she was once perfect for him or he was her “Mr Right”– neither dreamed they’d marry Mr Always Right or Little Miss Perfect.  Once in session, a client, who after hearing their partner say “I’m not always right” quipped, “well you’re never wrong”. 

 

A healthy mental connection can be as simple as shared humour, similar understanding of certain events, devising strategies to obtain shared goals, consulting, inclusion of decision making and prioritising areas of your life and valuing each other’s input.

 

 

I fundamentally disagree with the term emotional intelligence as it assumes it is a non-linear measurement of someone’s emotional health.   My definition is in relation to “emotional maturity”, regardless of age or length or relationship.  When life goes awry for whatever reason, how do you manage your emotional response.  Do your behaviours reflect maturity?  When life doesn’t give you what you want or expect, how do you emotionally manage the situation, event or relationship. 

 

When times are good in a relationship, both parties believe that they are on the same page, it’s when difficulties arise, they can appear to be poles apart in their strategies with dealing with the challenges. I’ve heard “I don’t even know this person”, “I couldn’t believe it when…”  etc., it’s like they have met their “real” partner for the very first time.  Strong people have been seen scampering in corners, curling up in the foetal position choosing to hide away for days on end.  Others become the “hulk”, “a bull in a china shop” a “madwoman” or “princess bitch-face”- all of which affects their partner. 

 

How emotionally compatible are you as a couple when dealing with life challenges, difficulties or differences?  In other words, how well to you manage conflict in your life.  When the relationship is in trouble holding on or trying to let go can feel like a game of tug-o-war with your partner, using the strands as weapons.

 

A healthy relationship recognises and acknowledges the emotional content of the challenge and plays a supporting role if their partner has been affected without absorbing their partner’s emotions.  Or have the capacity to sit together to discuss an agreed strategy or resolving conflict, whilst understanding and responding to the difficulties faced in a measured way. 

 

Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does create options and opportunities.  Sadly, in today’s society it can be a duel edge sword.  Some relationships are so financially interwoven that they appear unravel-able to the point that it’s the only thing keeping the relationship together. There are families that cannot afford to stay together emotionally yet can’t afford to separate financially so they operate from a purely functional space.  Using, withholding or misusing funds in relationships can cause fractures.  Financial control is just another form of relational abuse. 

 

Having financial compatibility in the relationship DOES NOT mean that both parties earn and/or financially contribute equally. It’s the VALUE you place on each other’s financial and non-financial contribution.  It’s about the joint understanding and responsibility pertaining to finances, whether it be priorities, savings, spending, frugality, or frivolously spending whether it be for celebratory or fun determines the health of the relationship in this area.

 

 

Sexual attraction lust, sexual chemistry, sexual compatibility, playfulness and flirting – oh the excitement.  The measurement of how sexually and physically attractive you are to your partner.  Sexual compatible includes how sexually adventuristic you are, and whether libido levels on par both contribute to forming a strong sexual connection.  Healthy relationships have shared understandings, equal interest, compatibility and initiation in a relationship. 

 

Often when the sexual thread is out of whack – it tends to have a ripple effect on all the other strands of the relationship.  One party may feel rejected, or one feels the other may be withholding sex when angry, etc all play into an unhealthy relationship.  When the relationship is out of kilter, sex can be the first strand to fray for some whereas for others, depending on the level of importance sex holds in their life, it’s the last – fearing once they lose interest in that area of the relationship, it’ll be hard for them to get back on track.

 

 

 

 

This strand refers to the way in which you view the world, what is your perspective, your lens on life and of others.  It’s the mental plus emotional fusion that develops your opinions, your fundamental belief systems, your judgements and values.  Mostly, drawn from lived experiences that have shaped the way in which your views are formed.  How do you feel about social issues, political views, religious pursuits, environment concerns, etc.  This is an incredibly important strand – most wars are caused and continue to be fought over having differing views or beliefs. 

 

For many, these are the deal breakers, the non-negotiable elements of the relationship, particularly around dysfunctional behaviours such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, etc. Especially when addictive behaviours are at play, generally accompanied with unbecoming character traits such as dishonesty, deceit, cheating, betrayal, etc.  It is the latter that partner’s find the hardest to understand, reconcile, overcome or forgive.

 

Remember, we are all as unique as fingerprints, there is no two of us alike anywhere on the planet.  Therefore, we will not view the world exactly the same as anyone else. We all have different tastes, preferences, likes, dislikes, but it’s how we respect each other’s beliefs, discuss differences and engage in discussion without being abrasive to people we love, sets the tone for a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

This one falls into the outer basket of categorisation as it is often only history that has kept a connection alive.  This is highlighted when reunions and occasional catch up with old friends whereby the only thing they have in common is their shared past. They are grappling around in shared experiences to keep the conversation alive.  The only highlights are shown in conversation starters with “remember when” or “whatever happen to” or “what about the time when” or “who’s heard from” seem to be the only entrée to group conversation and perhaps reliving old times again and again. 

 

However, this becomes particularly troublesome in a romantic relationship when there is a sense it has become stale for no particular reason or an underlying feeling of “owing” the other person for a past loyalty or life decision.  The only strand keeping it going has been the history i.e. too much time has been invested, or too much time has passed, or we’ve been through too much or its all too late. Regardless of the of health or condition of the strands, it is now just going through the motions of a life with another. It’s reached acceptance of till death us do part.

 

 

 

Having children, a death of a love one, loss of a job, extended family dramas and many other major life events external to the relationship or out of your control, but nonetheless, have an impact on the strength of the strands.  Getting external help through avenues such as counselling or support groups is the best way to assist and navigate your way through these uncertain times and events.

 

 

Relationships are ever changing and evolving – the longer you are together the greater the chance of having to ride the ebbs and flows, face difficult challenges and endure external forces.

 

If your relationship starts to breakdown and the strands begin to fray – hopefully this information will help you to organise your thoughts, gain clarity around where attention and love is needed and help pinpoint the fracture in the individual strand. 

 

Remember, all relationships will endure pressure and change so the strength of a relationship will be continually tested. Seeking expert advice and help can mend bridges, improve communication, resolve conflict and repair frayed strands to get the relationship back on track.

 

 

 

Narelle Brigden Counselling, 2018

We all have that friend who is constantly on the path of self discovery, growth and new beginnings.  Continuously searching for that silver bullet to turn their lives around, bring new relationships into their lives or take on the new life changing project - well this week's one anyway. However, do you also notice how their personality,  behaviours or attitudes may take a shift to the left or the right shortly after reading this month's latest release, always fleeting until the permanency of who they are returns. In general, their relationships continue to remain messy, they are still falling out with colleagues, friends and family members (which, by the way, is why you're never COMPLETELY honest with them) and everything always happens to them, no matter how much they try.

I caught myself pondering upon this phenomenon the other day whilst visiting the local op shop when coming face-to-face with the endless aisles of discarded self-help books and wondering how truly effective they really were. Picking through the selection of various authors and titles, I witnessed how vigorously marked, scribbled, noted and some even worth double highlighting the insight because it was just sooooooo poignant. Every book was just like the last - heavily marked and dog-eared. I could only imagine how they have spent hours pouring over the pages with exaltation, with some 'ah ha' moments and even some high energy fist pumps - according to their notes anyways.  They have then very diligently and of course, very honestly completed all the questionnaires and undertaken all the exercises - in pencil which also seemed to be the tool of choice. Orthodoxically, I found their notes often made more of a fascinating and insightful read then the actual text itself.

Now with all that hard work done, they are going to face the world with a different perspective, full of self-awareness and new found knowledge so people are going to treat them better, their relationships will be more "authentic" and people will WANT to be with them or just be them - RIGHT? - NO WRONG!! How can this be! They've done everything that has been asked of them, so why haven't their lives miraculously changed??????? 

I'll cut to the chase and tell you why - self-help books allow you to cherry pick, at your leisure by selectively perusing and determining the level of importance which you deem appropriate and/or relevant to you.  In the privacy of your own home and alone with your own thoughts, you can skip pages, especially the ones you feel uncomfortable with or deem paragraphs and chapters as "not really applicable to me" etc.  You kind of get away with a lot really or truly believe that this is simply not relevant to you. In other words, short-cutting to where you want to go  - not where you truly need to arrive.

My op shop adventure reminded me of a seminal lesson learnt from my psyche lecturer many moons ago when I was struggling as a young woman with image issues. After discussing my thoughts, she said that I'm allowing myself to being defined as how I think people see me and that's simply not the truth ie  that's my story of me - not theirs.  She then proceeded to give me this piece of advice which has always stuck and I would now love to share with you all here;  "Narelle, you have to understand that we never see ourselves as others truly see us - even in mirrors, our reflection is always reversed so your image will always be distorted". 

In short, where you think you need to focus, is not where others think you need to focus - and others are your relationships.  You see, if I were to ask all of your past bosses and colleagues, your previous and current relationships, friendships, family members for a list of areas for improvement to focus on (anonymously of course for truth purposes), I can guarantee that they would come up with a complete list all of which would have similarities and common themes across all aspects of your life.  In psychology, they are known as "blindspots".  Don't you ever wonder why we keep making the same mistakes, picking the same type of partners, friends, have the same work issues, etc ? - It's because YOU are the common denominator.  Although this can be an incredibly difficult thing to do, looking at our ugly bits, its necessary for true, permanent personal growth and development.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of time with people who have gone through every self-help book available to man, they have chased their zen all over the planet, they have eat prayed and loved all over the place and they have  even attended every seasonal new age speaker in a 100 mile radius but still - no change.  People aren't treating them the way they want, they're still single, divorced or in unhealthy relationships and they are still, privately miserable.

I've always said that when you close the door of your home - you could be anywhere in the world, so you have to be happy with the relationships you have in your life at that time, especially with the most important one -  you. 

Remember - wherever YOU go - there YOU are! 

You can't ever run nor hide from yourself.   So sadly, when you find yourself back where you started, in far too many cases, depression and self defeating thoughts seep in - again.  Your intentions were pure, however, the results were disappointing - certainly not from a lack of trying but absolutely due to your selected strategy being, the self-help route.

To make change permanent here are the 5 steps that I've found to be most effective:

By now, you're probably recognised the subtext has morphed from your friend to you, so when you're ready to make the commitment, do your research, find a professional that's right for you, commit to the necessary change - make the call to start to embark on your final destination.

When you're ready for change, please email me on [email protected] or call 0419 264 852 for an appointment.

© Narelle Brigden Counselling Services - October, 2014

No extraction without the direct written permission of the author.

 

I've always believed that when parents adopt the "stop fighting" stance when their children are roughhousing or arguing, prevents teaching the "how to be in relationship with others" lesson.

Parents are often overwhelmed with the noise, frequency, inequality, velocity and viciousness of the fighting.  By instructing children to "stop fighting" may feel like an appropriate response to unacceptable behaviour that receives an immediate response.  It may work initially, however, the behaviour continues, the response becomes less and less effective and parents become exasperated with repeating themselves without success or progress.

By continuing this spiral, parents are missing the valuable opportunity to teach children to understand, empathise, listen, forgive and say those two hardest words, "I'm sorry".  Even more importantly, the lesson of demonstrating and learning how to patch relationships effectively after an argument when you are right and when you are wrong. In other words, teaching your child to "fight fair".

We all develop our communication style at these tender ages based on their relationships, modelling and experiences.  As we grow older, socially more acceptable ways are learnt in different environments such as school, work and their social groups, again using modelling and socially acceptable behaviour.  And in the same way and during this time, our life opinions are being formed, we are learning some valuable social lessons and we are discovered how we "fit in".  In other words, we are learning to navigate the relationship labyrinth of our external and internal worlds.

Many events along the way, jolt us, pull the rug out from under us, knock us of 6, etc and we find ourselves floundering and not knowing how to handle things, approach issues or confront difficult circumstances and people.  Why??  Because we were never learnt to "fight fair" and therefore, could never have learnt how to.

When these occur, we revert to our earliest style as a default position which could be name calling, isolation and exclusion of people, not talk/ignore, gossip about people, sabotage, ridiculing, etc.  We believe we are punishing the other person, when in actual fact - we just don't know what else to do. 

In the process our behaviour is being witnessed and judge by others ie "would she treat me like that if we had a falling out", "I didn't think he was capable of that", "she has some real issues - I think I'll start distancing myself from her", etc. 

Does these comments sound familiar? You may even  have had these type of thoughts with some of your own friends behaviours.  You may have sense these comments and judgements from your friends and family. 

Here below are some examples - see which one most describes you:

Example 1:

Do you feel as though some people are avoiding you, sense people are gossiping about you and feel unwanted in social situations?  You may be feeling like there is something wrong with you, or people don't like you or you're being tolerated.  

Example 2:

Have you found yourself in sticky situations, awkward relationships or difficult partnerships which continues because you don't know what else to do?  Have you found yourself gossiping, negative people consuming way too much of your time and thoughts? are you continuing friendships that should have ended long ago?  Are you avoiding people or ignoring people?   

The first example is generally the result of someone who is OVERT in their conflict style and second is the example of someone who is COVERT in their conflict style.  Both have the same affect - neither have their needs met.  On the surface, Example 1 may seem to be honest, pushy or direct and Example 2 may seem to be polite, respectful and honest, but really neither want to be this way in their relationships.

Because the relationships in your life are important, learn how to get your voice heard and establish healthy boundaries without being abrasive to another person. Become the person that you admire.

As humans, inevitably, we will disagree, have a differing opinion, come from another perspective, have opposing beliefs, like differing things, etc. and we will argue our point.  The way in which we address these determines how we carry ourselves into the future and learn behaviours that you can be personally and honestly proud of.

Learn how to access, process and address these issues and turn your relationships around.

As everyone has different styles and issues, I develop and tailor a detailed plan to address specific areas of improvement and development, call 0419 264 852 for a personal consultation.

 

Although many factors contribute to a marriage breakdown,  people citing "excess baggage" being brought from one relationship into another, in reference to their partner, ie THEIR children, THEIR past relationships, THEIR family as a key feature in the demise of the marriage. However, the hangover from a previous marriage is not about the people but rather the relationship that they had with those significant others. 

 

I know that it may seem like I'm splitting hairs here, but what I'm really talking about here is YOU ie how you relate to another person, your traits, your behaviours, your emotional responses. In other words, how you communicate "in relationship" with another person.

 

All too often, couples go to counselling to "fix" their spouse.  My general response is "I can't fix them, but I can help you".  Wherein, the one question that should be asked by couples in counselling is, "what can I do to repair this relationship?"  This question shifts the focus towards having you think about the way you interact in relation to this other person, and how this may impact your marriage. This provides a positive platform to undertake discussion around working together on specific areas for improvement, rather than the defensive position that most couples adopt, not dissimilar to those preparing for battle.

 

I realise that this is a monumental step and often very difficult for anyone to take, particularly amidst the heated emotion of marital disputes, but a necessary one as you move forward in life, whether that is with or, unfortunately, without your partner.

 

 

You have to work as hard to get out of the marriage as you did to get into it and it is only complete when you have no unfinished emotional business with the other person.

 

Counselling provides the necessary skills and tools for couples to better relate to each other, in particular, resolving conflict.  In other words, how to "fight fair". You see, airing grievances is considered healthy, yes, that's right very healthy. What most people tend to lack is the ammunition to fight in a way that does not have a negative impact on their significant other.

 

"It's not what you say, its the way you say it".  I know this sounds cliche but truly think about this, how did you learn to fight?? Are you an overt fighter - do you end up screaming and yelling, throwing things, name calling..  Or are you a covert/passive fighter  - do you "stonewall" that is not talk (the dreaded silent treatment), not engage in the fight or give any response or if you're lucky a shrug or mumble  - - it sounds like I'm describing a 4yo in the midst of a tantrum and a belligerent teenager. 

 

Well, would it surprise you to learn that this may be your natural default response position?  Often these default positions may have served us well in the past, particularly through childhood and adolescence, but now are no longer effective.   Through counselling, together, we deconstruct your default position and develop a new way of working though relationship issues that benefit not just this relationship but all people you are "in relationship" with and all future relationships including work, family, friends, etc.

 

Why is this so important? Because if the marriage is irreconcilable, and if we are to believe the statistics - many are, what have you learnt from that marital experience that you take into the next relationship:-

 

a.  more excess emotional baggage or

b.  better communication and relationships skills.

 

Narelle Brigden

Post Grad. Dip., Counselling

M.A.C.A.

 

Manly, NSW 2095

Australia

Mobile: 0419 264 852

 

*Names change for privacy.